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Mentoring and SAFETY

 

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We are hard-wired for survival. Our ancestors would not have survived without the brain’s inbuilt vigilance and systematic response to danger. Today, the brain continually scans our environment for threat, but we’re seldom conscious of this constant activity and our automatic reactions.

Every social interaction is monitored by our brain: are we safe or under threat? In safe mode, relationships are built and conversations are productive, but it’s easy for them to go the other way and trigger defensiveness.

Neuroscientists, Dr. Norman Chorn and Dr. Terri Hunter of the BrainLink Group, recently described how the brain seeks SAFETY.

Security – certainty, predictability, stability

Autonomy – freedom to decide and choose

Fairness – equity, transparency, social justice

Esteem – status in relation to others, recognition

Trust – belonging to a group or tribe, feeling safe in relationships with others

Your personal priorities within these 5 levers ie. For some autonomy might be the number one driver, while others are compelled by a need for fairness.

Security

The brain has a thing about efficiency, it conserves energy by running on automatic as often as possible. Routines, habits, and the rules of thumb we use to make millions of minor decisions each day, are all ways that the brain minimizes effort. These default settings allow us to do things without thinking. The brain hates change, disruption and the unexpected, because switching off auto-pilot to use the executive brain to process the new data and act deliberately instead of out of habit, requires effort and uses vital energy.

Ambiguity, confusion, unmet expectations will be experienced as threat and incite defensiveness; whereas familiarity, previous or similar experience, clear expectations being prepared, forewarned or briefed about expectations signal safety.

In mentoring, you build security from the outset by:

  • Agreeing ground rules
  • Discussing expectations
  • Sharing an agenda prior to meeting

Autonomy

Adults want to be self-directing. Most of use hate rigid rules, being given orders or micromanaged. We resent top-down planning that robs us of input and feels disempowering, it will trigger the brain’s defenses. When we feel we are in control, have independence and choices, we are able to work in collaboration and feel safer.

As a mentor, you preserve the mentorees autonomy by:

  • Listening more than you speak and asking more than telling
  • Encouraging them to make their own decisions
  • Discussing their intentions, actions and likely outcomes so that they can take responsibility

Fairness

What will flick this lever into threat is the perception of favouritism, preferential treatment, or arbitrary decisions. Safe mode is promoted by transparency, clear rationale for decisions and equity.

As a mentor you can demonstrate fairness through:

  • An open mind that sees both sides of an argument
  • Describing situations from different perspectives
  • Championing equity

Esteem

We instinctively understand the importance of status. High status individuals get more. Whether it’s food, money, sex, the corner office, the car or parking spot or better assignments at work. The brain is constantly evaluating our status in relation to others. Feeling judged or looked down on, negative feedback, not winning in a competitive situation, lack of money, servitude or having to do the dirty work all can lower self-esteem and raise defensiveness. Being acknowledged, treated with respect, positive feedback and praise are rewarding.

As a mentor, maintain the mentoree’s esteem through:

  • Treating them as a colleague, an equal, not patronizing them
  • Being slow to give advice, even when asked – facilitate their thinking and decision-making
  • Providing positive feedback and/or get them to reflect and recall their own success

Trust

Rejection, isolation, loneliness, feeling different and socially disconnected are very threatening and cause great pain. Inclusion, rapport, empathy, friendship, empathy make us feel safe. As I wrote last time, this is what the brain likes about mentoring (link to article).

As a mentor:

  • Build rapport with the mentoree every time you speak to re-establish the relationship
  • Remind them that conversations are confidential and keep confidences
  • Be willing to disclose (appropriate) information about yourself to show you trust them

Your Personal Priorities

In Dr Chorn and Dr Hunt’s session we were each asked to identify our dominant driver – was security, autonomy, fairness, esteem, or trust our strongest need? They made the point that because we find one of these most rewarding, that will be what we try to offer most to others. Unfortunately, if there is a mismatch – say I’m trying to offer you lots of autonomy and freedom (my preference), but you value security, clear guidelines and certainty, it can be a barrier in our relationship and communication.

This means, as mentors we need to:

  • Get to know our mentoree
  • Do our best to see where they are coming from, in terms of the 5 social drivers
  • Become versatile so we can frame our conversation in the language that means most to them.

 

You can access more articles, videos and slide presentations here or simply “like” the Mentoring Works Facebook page where I post material by other people as well as my own.

 

 

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About Ann Rolfe

Ann Rolfe is internationally recognised as Australia's leading specialist in mentoring, and is available for speaking, training and consulting. Here Ann shares her knowledge and allows you to ask your most pressing questions about mentoring.

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